Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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