it was like his penis was on wheels.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
