My hand turned me down
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
