I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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