i permit you to call me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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