woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
