Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
