I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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