Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I want to fling myself into the sun
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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