I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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