He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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