So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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