oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
