We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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