it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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