yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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