Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
