woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
