I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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