I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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