those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
