If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
