I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
