Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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