threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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