Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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