She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
