My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
