I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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