just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
