Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
