The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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