I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
