i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
