you didnt know i had herpes?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
