he thought i was a dude.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i've created a new STD.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
