she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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