You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
