wat bout pragnant strippers??
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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