My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
