They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
