theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
