next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize