Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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