I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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