my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
