You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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