News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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