the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You can't motorboat a personality
never play flip cup with pint glasses
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She needs sedatives and a leash
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
