I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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