i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
