Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
