Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
