I just gift wrapped bread.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
