you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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