Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
